I have been battling with my beliefs these past few months. I don't know whether i am basically a theist or an atheist. A part of me believes that there is a god but a part of me screams out loud that there is no god. And this swinging back and forth confuses me that it becomes a nightmarish experience. Hey, i don't like this joy ride anymore. I thought the adventure would be worth it but I don't know. I'm confused, hell yeah I'm confused. I don't know whether this foray into the theist/atheist debate became an eye-opener or an enlightening experiencing.

It all started in peyups.com.

Although i was a hesitant christian, i was also hesitant in going over to the other side. I played safe for a while, but it seems that fence sitting is not my favorite activity. So, i took the road less travelled, being the devil's advocate in the debate. Although, i was defending god against the atheists, I also found atheism logically sound and appealing than believing in the supernatural. So, that was my dilemma. I was beginning to slide down. My mind became a battleground of some sort. And in the process i was losing my reason and my logic. I began to realize that I am an atheist trapped in a theist's body. But wait, I don't know for sure. I think I am a theist because i believe in a supernatural being but I don't subscribe to any religion (but on paper I am a Roman Catholic).

Actually, my hesitation (to become a full fledged atheist) comes from the fact that I find it uncomfortable to become one of the odd apples (pardon the analogy). Because it is easy to be a Christian in a Christian world
than being an atheist in a Christian world. It would be disastrous if you choose the latter. Especially in the Philippines where a whopping 90% are Christians.

Not that I am scared of my soul or something, but i hate the stigma and the "outcast" thing. I hate to have the stigma of being a social leper, an untouchable, doomed forever because of my belief. People will become biased of me, that i will be accused of being immoral and satanic and anti-christ and everything related to evil and darkness.

But where does that put me? To believe in one thing, but saying the other. Am I reduced to an abominable specter, doomed by my own inconsistency? I dont know and I don't care. Call me chicken if you want to.

Somewhere down the road, I will eventually choose which road to travel, and from there on there will be no turning back because I already made a choice, whish is final and irrevocable. But for the time being, I am testing the water, frog-hopping and living carelessly.


*note: Below is a quiz (with my answers and results) referred to me by scout_finch (a blogger friend). Just for the fun of it, I took an atheist perspective (but that not necessarily mean that I am an atheist already). Just for the sake of being one for a second or so.

Battleground God
http://www.philosophers.co.uk/games/god.htm

Can your beliefs about religion make it across our intellectual battleground?

In this activity you’ll be asked a series of 17 questions about God and religion. In each case, apart from Question 1, you need to answer True or False. The aim of the activity is not to judge whether these answers are correct or not. Our battleground is that of rational consistency. This means to get across without taking any hits, you’ll need to answer in a way which is rationally consistent. What this means is you need to avoid choosing answers which contradict each other. If you answer in a way which is rationally consistent but which has strange or unpalatable implications, you’ll be forced to bite a bullet.


1. God exists.
false

2. If God does not exist then there is no basis for morality.
false

3. Any being which it is right to call God must be free to do anything.
false

4. Any being which it is right to call God must want there to be as little suffering in the word as is possible.
false

5. Any being which it is right to call God must have the power to do anything.
false

6. Evolutionary theory maybe false in some matters of detail, but it is essentially true
true

No injuries so far, but watch out! Danger ahead!

7. It is justifiable to base one's beliefs about the external world on a firm, inner conviction, regardless of the external evidence, or lack of it, for the truth or falsity of these convictions.
false

8. Any being that it is right to call God must know everything that there is to know.
false

9. Torturing innocent people is morally wrong.
false

10. If, despite years of trying, no strong evidence or argument has been presented to show that there is a Loch Ness monster, it is rational to believe that such a monster does not exist.
false

11. People who die of horrible, painful diseases need to die in such a way for some higher purpose.
false

12. If God exists she could make it so that everything now considered sinful becomes morally acceptable and everything that is now considered morally good becomes sinful.
false

You're doing brilliantly!
Only five more questions to go and not so much as a scratch so far! Well done!

13. It is foolish to believe in God without certain, irrevocable proof that God exists.
true

You may have just taken a direct hit!
You stated earlier that evolutionary theory is essentially true. However, you have now claimed that it is foolish to believe in God without certain, irrevocable proof that she exists. The problem is that there is no certain proof that evolutionary theory is true - even though there is overwhelming evidence that it is true. So it seems that you require certain, irrevocable proof for God's existence, but accept evolutionary theory without certain proof.

So you've got a choice:

Bite a bullet and claim that a higher standard of proof is required for belief in God than for belief in evolution.

Take a hit, conceding that there is a contradiction in your responses.


Decision: Bite the bullet.

14. As long as there are no compelling arguments or evidence that show that God does not exist, atheism is a matter of faith, not rationality.
false

15. The serial rapist Peter Sutcliffe had a firm, inner conviction that God wanted him to rape and murder prostitutes. He was, therefore, justified in believing that he was carrying out God's will in undertaking these actions.
false

16. If God exists she would have the freedom and power to create square circles and make 1 + 1 = 72.

oh-oh, here comes the trick question. I sense a trap in here. Arghh, it is hard to choose. I might contradict myself here.
False

whew! buti na lang!

17. It is justifiable to believe in God if one has a firm, inner conviction that God exists, regardless of the external evidence, or lack of it, for the truth or falsity of the conviction that God exists.
false

You have reached the end!

Congratulations! You have made it to the end of this activity.

You took zero direct hits and you bit 1 bullets. The average player of this activity to date takes 1.39 hits and bites 1.12 bullet. 191484 people have so far undertaken this activity.


Battleground Analysis
Congratulations!
You have been awarded the TPM medal of distinction! This is our second highest award for outstanding service on the intellectual battleground.

The fact that you progressed through this activity without being hit and biting only one bullet suggests that your beliefs about God are internally consistent and well thought out.


A direct hit would have occurred had you answered in a way that implied a logical contradiction. The bitten bullet occurred because you responded in a way that required that you held a view that most people would have found strange, incredible or unpalatable. However, because you bit only one bullet and avoided direct hits completely you still qualify for our second highest award. A good achievement!


Analysis of your Bitten Bullet
Bitten Bullet 1

You answered "True" to questions 6 and 13.

These answers generated the following response:

You stated earlier that evolutionary theory is essentially true. However, you have now claimed that it is foolish to believe in God without certain, irrevocable proof that she exists. The problem is that there is no certain proof that evolutionary theory is true - even though there is overwhelming evidence that it is true. So it seems that you require certain, irrevocable proof for God's existence, but accept evolutionary theory without certain proof. So you've got a choice: (a) Bite a bullet and claim that a higher standard of proof is required for belief in God than for belief in evolution. (b) Take a hit, conceding that there is a contradiction in your responses.

You chose to bite the bullet.

Pumunta ako kanina sa Vinzon's para makita ang final results ng USC elections. Kasi hanggang ngayon di ko pa rin lubos na matanggap na natalo ang STAND-UP. Baka kasi linoloko lang ako ng kaibigan ko. Kasi gusto ko makita kung saan kami naging mahina, saan yung achille's heel namin.

Pagdating ko doon, nakita ko yung mga taga-Kule minamasdan yung resulta na nakasulat sa mga pinagtagpi-tagping manila paper. Gusto ko nga sabihin sa kanila na, bad trip mga tsong, olats tayo. Pero syempre di ko sinabi kasi di ko alam kung sinu-sino ang ibinoto nila. Malay mo, mga Alyansa pala sila. Eh di napahiya pa ako. (Pero malaki ang probability na STAND-UP rin sila.)

Three hundred something ang lamang ni Kris (ALyansa) kay Atom (STAND-UP), mga ganun din ang lamang ni Kristina (Alyansa) kay Eunica Aure (STAND-UP). Pumasok ang siyam na konsehal ng Alyansa, isa sa STAND-UP, at dalawang independent. Sa college representative naman, halos nanalo lahat ng mga kandidato ng Alyansa. Dinominate talaga ngayon ng Alyansa ang USC elections. Walang patawad. Siguro panahon talaga nila ngayon. Kung sa bagay, for the last four years kami rin naman ang nagdodominate sa USC elections.

Noong nalaman ko na Alyansa lang ang babangga sa STAND-UP, alam kong magiging mahirap para sa STAND-UP na manalo dahil hindi hati ang oposisyon. Nagkaroon tuloy ng "united opposition." At yun yung kinakatakutan namin dahil kung mas maraming naglalaban laban na partido nagiging pabor para sa STAND-UP. Siguro natuto na sila sa kanilang mga pagkakamali kaya nagsanib sila (di ako sigurado kung nagkaroon nga ng kolaborasyon pero di malayo na mangyari yun dahil iisa lang naman talaga ang kanilang layunin eh: patumbahin ang STAND-UP).

Tiningnan ko ang bawat resulta ng bawat kolehiyo. Ganun pa rin. KUng saan traditionally malakas ang STAND-UP, doon kami lumalamang kagaya ng CAL, College of Science, Fine Arts at CHE. Samantala ang ALyansa naman ay humakot sa kani-kanilang balwarte - CSSP (dahil sa di matibag-tibag na Buklod-CSSP), Law (kasi law student si Kris Ablan at kasi talagang galit ang mga taga-law sa STAND-UP), ECON at Business Ad (no comment na lang pero sige na nga para may masabi ako: ang mga kapitalista ay galit sa mga aktibista kaya ganyan). Pero ang nakakagulat ay ang Engg. Sa mga nakalipas na taon, laging nanalo ang STAND-UP dito, minsan lumalamang ng 300-400 votes pero ngayon baliktad ang nangyari: lumamang ng 200 votes ang Alyansa.

Habang tinitingnan ko ang resulta, nag-iisip ako kung bakit nagkaganoon. Kung bakit natalo kami. Kung bakit pinagkaitan kami ng tadhana. Hinahanap ko ang kasagutan sa mga numero na tumatambad sa aking paningin. Numbers don't lie ika nga nila. Kaya naghanap ako ng mga patterns. Kinompare ko pa siya sa mga past performance ng bawat college for the past four years. Consistent naman, nanalo kami sa colleges na talagang amin, at sila sa kanilang mga balwarte. Wala akong mahanap kung hindi ito: natalo kami sa Engg kaya nagkaganyan, dahil balwarte namin ito noon pero ngayon ay nakuha na ng kabila. Dito nagkatalo, sa Engg, sa dati kong kolehiyo. Buti na lang sa ILIS, tinambakan namin ang Alyansa ng mahigit isang daang boto. Buti di ako napahiya sa mga nakatataas kasi ginawa ko ang dapat kong gawin: protektahan ang mga balwarte namin.

Pero paano ko i-eexplain ang pagkatalo ng mga iba't ibang college representative na kung saan malakas ang STAND-UP. Di ko alam. Wala akong maisasagot diyan kasi case to case basis ang pagexlain ng anomaly na yan. Bakit lahat ng mga konsehal ng ALyansa ay nanalo samantala isa lang ang pumasok na taga STAND-UP? Siguro dahil nadala sila ng partido, dahil nagblock voting sila, dahil nag-straight sila. Marami akong pwedeng maisagot dito. Logical ang nangyari dahil since nanalo ang Alyansa sa Chair at Vice-chair, hindi rin malayong mangyayari na mananalo ang karamihan sa konsehal ng Alyansa. Magiging mas illogical kung nanalo ang Alyansa sa Chair at Vice-chair pero lahat naman ng konsehal ay taga STAND-UP.

Ano pa ba? May nakaligtaan ba akong dapat i-analyze o bigyan ng paliwanag?

Ah tama, naalala ko na. Bakit lumakas ang Alyansa ngayon? Yan ang million dollar question ngayon. Bakit nga ba? Baka kasi pinaghandaan talaga nila ang eleksyon ngayon. Dahil alam nila may mahusay silang kandidato sa pagkachairperson. Dati kasi mga patapon lang ang kanilang mga pinapatakbo kaya naman kumakain ng alikabok. Kasi dati inaakala nila na kung maganda o guwapo ang isang kandidato, malaki ang tsansa na mananalo ito. Mga ehemplo: Mariz Umali at Chin Tubianosa. Personality based kasi ang kanilang campaign. Samantala ang STAND-UP naman, nanalo dahil sa kanilang mga programa at advocacies. Pero mukhang naka-catch-up ang Alayansa ngayon. Pero titingnan pa natin kung ano ang mangyayari sa susunod na election. Kung ito na ba ang simula ng pagdecline ng STAND-UP o nasalisihan lang talaga kami ng Alayansa.

Paglabas ko sa Vinzon's nakita ko ang isang grupo ng STAND-UP nakatambay sa labas. Obvious sa kanilang mga mukha ang hinagpis ng pagkatalo. Linapitan ko sila. Tinanong ako ng isa kong kaibigan, "Nakita mo na ba ang resulta?"

Sabi ko, "Oo, bad trip nga eh."

Sabi niya, "wala eh, ganun talaga eh."

Sabi pa ng isa, "next year babawi tayo."

Sabi ko, "sana. Sana makabawi tayo."

Last night I dreamt a deadly dream, a nightmare of uncalled proportions.

Last night, I dreamt of losing my idealism, losing my sanity to the madness of the world.

I became afraid. I started to shiver with thoughts of being lost forever, lost and never be found, thoughts about death and life, thoughts of hardships, pain and triumph, thoughts of wanting more but having less, thoughts of being human for once, knowing how to feel, knowing how to touch, knowing how to love.

Last night, I held my tears back, afraid of the future, scared of the past.

The minutes became hours and the hours became a day, and I'm still here waiting....waiting for what I do not know..but one thing is for sure: I lost my innocence the moment I wrote, I lost my objectivity because i became biased, I lost my integrity because I became inconsistent, I am dead because I forgot to live a life that is life then realization comes into me like a sudden apparition: that I must redeem what were lost, find what were lost.

So my life then would become a battle for redemption, for the things I've lost the past few years - my innocence, my wounded ego, my sanity, myself as well as my heart. My whole life will become a retribution, a cure - to heal my wounded pride, to heal my ailing heart.

The death of idealism, as illustrated in my life, will be my rallying point, my warcry. I may have lost a few skirmishes, but I will never surrender until I reclaim what is rightfully mine. and in this battle I find myself alone, alone with myself, alone with my demons, alone against the world.

our party encountered a setback
but they can never silence our struggle

I'm in a state of shock right now. Last night, I thought I will celebrate and have the last laugh. I thought I will be singing victory songs alongside with my partymates at Vinzon's Hall. I was ready to cheer for the victory of our party, of STAND-UP. But by some stroke of wicked malice and bad luck, our collective smiles and laughter transformed into grimaces and feelings of dreadfulness. My countenance I could not explain nor describe.

Like some horror film coming to life, my worst fear came alive: a sweeping victory of Alyansa in the USC elections.

Until now, I'm still flabbergasted; I could not still accept the fact that STAND-UP lost badly in the elections. We never had this kind of beating since time immemorial. This is unacceptable, this is plain madness! I could not accept this kind of beating because we are used to winning the elections, sweeping almost all the posts.

I knew from the start that STAND-UP is beatable this year; even if it has Atom as its standard bearer, even if it has Eunica Aure as its vice-chair, even if it had been visible whole year out. Simply because the USC elections became a two way fight between STAND-UP and Alyansa. With the opposition consolidating its forces (Convergence backed out from the USC elections and reportedly gave in to Alyansa), the "united opposition" became more powerful, powerful enough to threaten the dominance of STAND-UP in the USC. If only the Convergence fielded candidates for the USC elections (dividing the opposition into two), then STAND-UP should have been the winner in this year's election. It's just as simple as that because politics is just a numbers game, first and foremost.

Our loss was a rude awakening. A wake up call for us, for us who have been busy fighting for the rights of the students, busy slugging it out with the powers may be, with those who control the university with an iron fist, with those petty-bourgeois holding position in the present administration, with those capitalists who have been enslaving the masa. We were so busy fighting the big boys that we forgot that we also have responsibilities at the homefront. Maybe it is time to re-assess our priorities, time to shake up the alliance; maybe it is time for some changes, maybe it is time to move-on and brave the storm ahead. But one thing is for sure though: this is not certainly our apocalypse. We are down but not certainly out. Instead of one, we now fight a multi-front war. And it becomes more interesting because we are now the opposition, a terrain which is very familiar to us.

Our brand of activism became our life-bringer as well as our death-messenger.

Life, because we give hope to those who have lost hope in the current system, those who are disgruntled with the present administration. We give life to them because of that hope, no matter how fickle and small it is: we let them dream that tomorrow will become much more different from today, that someday they will see their sons eating three times a day, receiving a good and sound education, living in an environment that is harmonious and pleasurable. Because we know these are the true concerns of a wage-earner that have neither the luxury of rest nor pleasure. We give voice to those who became mute, we empower them to move out from their muted existence and become active and able citizens in the society. We give them that extra push so that they will also, in turn, lift someone out from their hellish misery. Because activism is bayanihan, offering our lives to those who are in need.

It also became our funeral because people scorn us, abhor us for rocking the boat, for disrupting the status quo. Because we think radically. Because we act different from what is expected from an average person. Because numerous apathetic fence-sitters hate our guts for being too political, for being too outspoken, for being there to those who are in dire need, for being close minded.

Sorry if we only see things the way we see it. But our stand on every issue is not an echo of ancient past neither are they propaganda of any leftist group nor any group related to the left; our stand is generated and comes from an extensive study of the current socio-political and economic situation of our country, after an all-embracing analysis and synthesis of the current situation of UP in relation with the Philippine society, with the present administration and with the present state of the Philippines. We don't just concoct witty lines or preppy slogans out of the blue. Our slogans and demands are the result of a pain-staking process that involves our collective thought and strength and our collective effort to improve the present conditions of our fellow students and our fellow citizens.

I hate to say this but who cares anyway: I hate those who accuse STAND UP for being too political, that the only things we know are to organize rallies, distributing leaflets, shouting in the streets with megaphones in our hands and clenching our left fists. If that is their only understanding of STAND-UP, then they have a little understanding of the realities of life. Yes, we conduct rallies. I admit it, we do it often (and sometimes more often than what is necessary) because we try to voice out the different concerns of the oppressed, of the poorest of the poor, of those who were disenchanted, of the silent majority. It is a big sin to just dismiss these mass protests and demonstrations as mere actions of a loud minority. On the first place, we don't do this for ourselves; we do this for others who are powerless because we find strength in numbers just as we find comfort in our multitude. And secondly, these mass demonstrations are exercises legitimized by the 1987 constitution as feedback mechanisms so that the government will know the different concerns of the different sectors of the society. Without these, the government will be lost, not knowing what pressing issues to attend to. Yes, we shout our demands even in the august halls of UP because we want to let it be known that we are here to demand for what are rightfully ours: greater state subsidy, better education, better facilities and better administration.

If shouting their concerns (of the students and the masang Pilipino) is a mistake then we might just as well become protozoans with cilia and flagella as our means of locomotion. At least our main problem (if we are protozoans) is this: is there enough food in the nearby surroundings for the colon? At least we live a simple life. And have simple problems to solve.

But it is not the case and never will be. Because we are political animals guided by our altruistic instincts. We, the activists, are altruistic in nature; we give ourselves selflessly to others. We are not greedy and selfish like the bourgeois and the capitalists and the elite. Our only sword is our rightful demands that we yell and shout, ramming it through to any possible avenue of communication.

Aside from those listed above, we also lobby for certain bills that are pro-student, pro-UP; we conduct talks with the different sectors of the UP community; we hold discussion groups so that we could understand better the issues involving us, the university and the nation.

But it seems our yells, our demands always fall on deaf ears (or they just pretend to be deaf and blind). Because everyone (even the State) dismisses us as just some loud minority, a bunch of people who have forgotten to think for their selves, a bunch of people who have been blinded by a "twisted" ideology.

If they see us that way that let them be; we will become a thorn in their ass until our demands are met, until they will start to listen and treat us seriously.

Little by little, our loss in the USC elections becomes bearable, slowly sinking into my system. I do not know when will I recover from this "devastation," but I know I will survive this storm. I know we will survive this storm because we are made of sterner stuff. Because rain or shine, with or without our tight griphold of the USC, we will still continue to fight, we will carry on with our struggle for the rights of each and every UP student because winning the USC elections is not the only reason why we exist (unlike the other party which sprouts out of nowhere only during election time); because we are not shallow, seasonal student leaders who only makes an appearance when there is a circus, but rather, we are student leaders for all seasons. And if you think that this defeat is the start of our end, of our decline, think again, because we will be back in the next election with a vengeance, with a bang complete with artillery fire and smoking guns. But for the mean time, we will be in the streets, we will be in the corridors, we will be in the lobby, we will be where there is oppression happening, we will be everywhere, as always, raising hell, demanding and struggling for the rights of each and every student of UP, clenching our left fist and raising it with dignity.

Now, I just consider our loss as an aberration just as I consider life as an aberration in the universe.



##############
This essay is a response to all the endless accusations and mud-slinging to my party. Beforehand, I decided to be quite during the elections to avoid altercations and disputes. I avoided debating with any Alyansa symphatizer. But the situation left me with no choice, all of you were relentless with your attacks, and I can't accept it, I can't accept the fact that I am not doing anything while all of you are attacking my party and its ideology from all sides, with any smear campaign or accusation possible. I don't want to be a lame duck partymate. So, here I am, although not with guns blazing, but nonetheless as fiery as I could be. Sorry kung may natamaan. These are just my opinion. Walang personalan. Believe me, I hate the quagmire I found myself into.

I miss my mom. Even without the umbilical cord, I still feel connected to her, connected to the woman who gave me life. I don't know why this is so but I have this longing to go back to the womb that spawned me. Probably because they could never cut off the true umbilical cord - the mysterious cord that connects the mothers to their offsping psychologically, spiritually, emotionally and physiologically.

I miss her so much: I miss her touch, her sweet voice, her angelic smile, her motherly care. I miss her culinary attempts: her adobo, sinigang, etc., etc., etc. I miss her foray into cross-stitch, which she abandoned for good kasi sumasakit yung mata niya (at naduduling). She would start some pattern then would force me to finish it (kung di ko lang ikaw nanay, ewan kona lang). She would pick up another then I would finish it until we had a wall full of it.

Most of all, I miss her motherly (and sometimes weird) wisdom.

Since I am studying here in Manila, we only see each other every vacation (and sometimes once a year depending on our state of finances). Nevertheless, I would always see to it that I spend quality time with my parents during vacation. We always talk about anything under the sun except of course my lovelife which I don't share even to my parents (probably because I'm that too secretive when it comes to lovelife) and my academic life. Most of the time, we talk about politics and national issues. And our breakfast table is our battleground where we volley arguments back and forth, where we shoot down each other, where we squabble and bicker just to gain that inch (mind you, we would die for that inch), where we interpolate, dissect, analyze, and criticize issues.

Through this verbal intercourse I became more analytical and critical. I don't accept everything at face value. I become cynical and suspicious to everything, to everyone, and to my surroundings. I always question everything, even authority, even God (note: my parents are devout Catholics while I am a theist who have atheistic tendencies).

Through this, mother imparts me her wisdom, little by little. Like Yoda teaching the young Luke Skywalker. She would pass on centuries old wisdom to me, pice by piece. And everytime she would impart her wisdom, I become more and more complete as a human being, advancing my evolution from being a young punk into a man that I am supposed to be. Or she wants me to be. Or my destiny wants me to be. Whatever the case may be.

Before I went to Tacloban to study in Pisay, she gave me a crash course in different classes: ironing 101, laundry 101, housekeeping 101, table manners and ethics 101 and pakikisama 101. For two weeks, she made me do all the laundry and ironing as part of my on-the-job training. She was meticulous with my training, she would teach me the proper way of doing things and giving me some trade secrets. But she put a great emphasis on the pakikisama lecture. She reminded me that where I'm living for four years is not my home but other's, so I better brush up my pakikisama skills or I will forever live in misery.

When I was already in Tacloban, I realized my drill sergeant forgot one thing during the boot camp: she forgot to teach me budgeting 101. So, when I arrived in Tacloban, I spent all my money on things that I don't really need: toys, toys and more toys. After that, my mother scolded me because of my indiscriminate shopping spree. She gave me a day of lecturing about the importance of money, it's uses, it's worth, it's value, on where to spend it, how to save it, on where to buy things that are affordable. After that, I become conscious with my spending but until now I keep on failing on that subject. Hah, who needs budgeting 101 anyway?

During my high school days (and until now), she would always remind me that education is my key to a brighter future, so I must study hard, listen well and get decent grades. Well, I got decent and respectable grades during high school partly because I studied and mainly because I was close with my nerdie-nerd classmates. Since education was my key to a brighter future, I read and read and read and tried to educate myself through books which I think are a must-read to future intellectual heavyweights or future leaders of this condemned country. I was so voracious that I was finishing 4 books per week. Mama was delighted with my passion and also annoyed with it. Because instead of going out and smelling the freash air, I was inside the house reading and reading and reading (or during one summer, cross-stitching and cross-stitching and cross-stitching). I become isolated with my "study," surrounded by books, believing much on the saying: "let learning interfere with your education."

Since mama was troubled and disturbed with my self-imposed isolation (and nearly raising hell because according to her I was not getting enough sun), I started playing basketball. To get some fresh air and to excercise my lazy body. I was a fast learner, because it was easy as learning abc. After a few days of learning the basics, I was ready to play ball and reinvent the rules.

Mama was also very active in my spiritual development. She would see to it that I will be as devouted as they are to the Catholic faith. She would always wake me up every Sunday morning (or drag my lazy butt if i was so stubborn). I even became a sacristan major in our parish church. My mother was even telling me that I should consider studying in a seminary and eventually become a priest. Luckily, I passed the PSHS entrance exams. Sorry ma, but I want to study where there is a stipend. It didn't broke her heart because: 1) she was expecting it already; 2) the education was free; 3) I receive a monthly stipend; and 4) I was getting the best secondary education available.

In the folowing years, our contact became lesser and lesser because I lived away from our home during high school and college. But thanks to the cellphone, we can now contact each other 24/7, send text messages, forward cheesy lines and sometimes (which i hate so much) forwarding religious quotes.

One time, I was asking extra money from her because my allowance was not enough to cover for my weekly expenses. She replied, "No, I will not send you extra money. This should be a lesson to you." I texted back, "Ma, I will starve if you will not send money." She replied, "Sometimes anak, fasting is a blessing." Ah, weird motherly wisdom from my mom.

Miss you ma.


###############
To reg: ayan, gumawa na ako ng something na hindi related to politics. Pero i doubt if you'll read this... corny masyado!!! sorry wala akong maipost eh.. hehe

She told me four years ago that she found peace in me. She protested that my face has the semblance of tranquility, calmness and serenity.

"Why could you be so peaceful outside when you are full of angst inside. How could that be possible," she asked me. I answered her with a calm voice, "because I have to put on a mask to hide the feelings, the overwhelming emotions leaking out of me, to hide the grimace in my face. But now that I have you I have no reason to hate, no reason to abhor. At this moment I am taking off the mask that was once my armour and be myself again. At last I am free."

We talked and talked all night under the cloudless sky until the roosters crowed above the roofs. We talked about our past, our future, the what-if’s, the what-should-be’s, we talked about the sun and the moon and everything in between but never the present. We talked until at last it was time to say goodbye. She said goodbye to me while I was slowly making my way to the bus. If only she would stop me and tell me to never go back to Manila then I would easily do so. But there were no pleadings coming from her just sobs. At first, inaudible, now like wailings of a widowed woman. There was no other way but this: I will go back to Manila while she must continue her studies at Tacloban. Painful it was for me but I have to make a decision, and I must do it quickly. And I chose to leave, I chose to leave her behind, I chose my studies over her. I chose it because I know it will be for our future, for the both of us. A bitter pill that I’m forced to swallow.

Two years have passed by and we never saw each other. No communication. No nothing. My letters were sent back to me, unopened. Sometimes with a note from the postman, the addressee always declines accepting your letter. Every time I call to her boarding house her boardmates would say unsympathetically, “she is outside” or “she is at school” and sometimes “she is with her friends.”

So, this is the price I have to pay for not following my heart. Yet come to think of it, despite the refusals, the snob, the rejection, I was still hoping that someday we would meet and start all over again. Someday when I have a stable job, when I have a house and lot, when I have a car, I will go back to her and reclaim what was intended to be mine. But those dreams turned into ashes when a friend of mine called me. He told me that she eloped with somebody else, someone from ********, twenty-four kilometers away from our town. Her father, a retired civil servant, hunted them down and demanded that the boy marry his daughter. The boy, very immature for his age, hesitantly agreed to have a civil wedding hora mismo.

In the abysmal pits of hellish depths, I found myself lying unconsciously, mocking the day that I left her on that terminal, cursing the heavens for my misfortune, hating everyone I see, screaming for justice. I became a monster burning with hatred, a tormented soul out for revenge. Day by day, I was transforming into a zombie of some sorts. I do not know whether I was still breathing or not. I do not know whether I was alive or not. Poison was slowly killing me that I began to fear seeing myself in the mirror because I hate to see myself wasting, rotting and dying. In a span of two years I stopped living, I ceased to live. Yet the only thing that sustained me, keeping me alive was the hope that we will meet again, to ask her why.

Two years later, I received a text message from my brother. He told me she was in Manila. She was looking for a job. I said to myself bitterly, good luck to her, you slimy scum of the earth. And one more thing, my brother told me, she wants to see you badly.

So this is it, the crossroad I was hoping for, the crossroad I have been wishing for. I began to feel numb; I was feeling neither anger nor hatred but rather fear. Suddenly, I fear seeing her, I fear accepting the probability that she will be gone forever, I fear that she will say her last goodbye to me.

We met at Glorietta, exchanged pleasantries, performed the obligatory kamusta ka na? Ako? Mabuti naman. Ikaw, Kamusta ka na? Mga batchmates natin kamusta na? Si ano kamusta na? We were civil with each other. Then she talked about her stay in Manila while we were strolling and window shopping. She told me that she was staying at her auntie’s house, that she arrived here in Manila a month ago, that she tried looking for a job but she could find none, that she decided that she will just go home and apply as a civil servant just like her tatay and that she wanted to see me badly (desperately was her term). Upon hearing the word “desperately,” I stopped and faced her. My heart was pounding hard, my palm sweating, my whole body shivering of fear and paranoia. In front of me is the girl in flesh and blood who had the luxury of breaking my heart first, and the girl who almost ruined my life. In front of me, breathing the air that I was breathing. I took her hand. They were clammy just like mine.

Then she cried. She cried aloud, not minding the onlookers and passersby who were looking on us with puzzled looks and bewilderment. Soon I realized the very reason for her insistence on seeing me.

“That bastard! He cheated on me! P*tang *na niya!”

“Shhhhh! Tahan na. Sit down. Relax; I’m here at your side.”

She continued cursing while at the same time crying her heart out. Let go all of it, in one mighty surge, all your emotions, all those that is inside, all those that have been latent, let go of it, I told her. She was crying like there was no tomorrow. I understood her grief, her misery for they were also mine. Remarkably, she told the whole story to me while sobbing and sneezing.

I asked her, “Why me? Why come back to me? Why, of all people, me?”

“Because you are the only one who understands me, because you know how to listen to me, because I know you are the only one who cares for me."

I asked her what I can do. She replied that there is nothing I can do but listen and listen carefully. I insisted that I must do something or her dignity would never be avenged.

She replied to me, "You are such a nice person and I don't what you to be hurt because I love you so much. More than you'll ever know. More than you'll realize."

We strolled slowly until we reached the pink MMDA sakayan/babaan. So this is it. Time again to say our goodbyes, say our farewells. We are back to where we were before. Back to square one.

“O ayan na ang bus mo,” I whispered gently to her. She started walking towards the bus when suddenly I grabbed her arm and kissed her on the cheeks. I was expecting a slap from her but she just smiled. I said goodbye to her while she was slowly making her way to the bus. I waved goodbye to her and she did the same. I waved goodbye endlessly until all I could see is the black smoke emitted by the bus.

An agry voice haunts the night
like wails of fright, might, and gripe.
Terror is upon us all, bull
the gods, blow the horns, pull
the lever to unleash Apocalypse-
the avenger of mankind.

Let flesh clash flesh,
metal clang metal, teeth grit teeth.
Let the gods and titans clash
until there is none left in earth.
Let the doomsayers say their laments,
their woes, their eulogies. Let the poets
recite their greatests odes, woe to them
for they will sing our latent feelings,
woe, not praise, them because flesh clashes flesh,
gods bull titans, Apocalypse descending.

Sing to the land that will become barren,
untoilable: the battlefield of the lightning weilding
titans and the raging, rampaging gods. When
dust settles, one must stand to see the defiling
of the soil. Apocalypse, hear the cries of those
left behind, Mercy! Mercy! We cry mercy, for you
have it in abundance. In the horizon, I see blue
skies bloodied, I see the titans, one by one,
falling like trees, tamed by a malevolent storm.

Blow the horns, rejoice! because
Apocalypse is victorious, Olympus saved,
mankind salvaged from the pits of despair.
Sing praises that befit Him, praise those who braved
the terror, those who disappeared forever
because death claimed their weary bodies,
dusts claiming its own, its kindred.
Rejoice for we can now sleep well into the night
without fright plastered in our eyes.

Gabriel Garcia Marquez was born in Colombia in 1928. His many books include The Autumn of the Patriarch, Love in the Time of Cholera, No One Writes to the Colonel Anymore, Chronicle of Death Foretold, The General in his Labyrinth, Collected Stories, and Collected Novellas. Garcia Marquez was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1982. Probably Garcia Marquez's finest and most famous work, One Hundred Years of Solitude tells the story of the rise and fall, birth and death of the mythical town of Macondo through the history of the Buendia family. Inventive, amusing, magnetic, sad, alive with unforgettable men and women, and with a truth and understanding that strike the soul. One Hundred Years of Solitude is a masterpiece of the art of fiction.

"One Hundred Years of Solitude is the first literature since the Book of Genesis that should be a required reading for the entire human race. It takes up not long after Genesis left off and carries through the air age, reporting on everything that happened in beteen more lucidity, wit, wisdom, and poetry than is expected from 100 years of novelists, let alone one man...Mr. Garcia Marquez, has done nothing less than to create in the reader a sense of all that is profound, meaningfula and meaningless in life."
--William Kennedy, New York Times Book Review--



excerpts from Ciento Años de Soledad (One Hundred Years of Solitude)

Macondo was already a fearful whirlwind of dust and rubble being spun about by the wrath of the biblical hurricane when Aureliano skipped eleven pages so as not to lose time with facts he knew only too well, and he began to decipher the instant that he was living, deciphiring it as he lived it, phrophesying himself in the act of deciphering the last page of the parchments, as if he were looking into a speaking mirror. Then he skipped again to anticipate the predictions and ascertain the date and circumstances of his death. Before reaching the final line, however, he had already understood that he would never leave that room, for it was foreseen that the city of mirrors (or mirages) would be wiped out by the wind and exiled from the memoryof men at the precise moment when Aureliano Babilonia would finish deciphering the parchments, and that everything written on them was unrepeatable since time immemorial and forever more, because races condemned to one hundred years of solitude did not have a second opportunity on earth.

 Democracy is not doing well for us. It is leading us into oblivion, into chaos and, sad to say, into sheer lawlessness. Democracy is so sweet in the ears that we become deaf to its deafening thuds; so saccharine, so cute, so appealing that we are led to believe that democracy is the end to our means, that democracy is absolute, that democracy is this and that. Bullsh*t, I dare say, just plain bullsh*t. Democracy is but a sugar-coated word for oligarchy: the rule of the few, the rule of the moneyed capitalist elite. Though it is the masa who decides who becomes the president for the six years, but still it is the elite who controls these morons, these politicians who salivates at the mere sight of money and power. Obviously, I have lost faith in the electoral system because the Philippine society will never change. We may have different leaders in every 3/6 years but still the system is intact, unyielding, indestructible and plainly everlasting. Same sh*t, different day. Politics is but a money-making scheme of the elite.

We should take the reins of power from the State. If force is needed then let blood spill and consecrate our motherland. Let teeth grit teeth, metal clang metal. Blow the horn, sound the alarm and let the spirit of revolt consume us all. We should grab it from the elite; seize the day because their end is coming.  Let apocalypse destroy them.

Give what is due to these monkeys: the hangman’s noose. Kill them all, finish them off. Their heads may not be enough to repay for the injustices they have done to us, to our forefathers, to our ancestors.  Let them pay for their insolence, their arrogance and ignorance to our miseries.  We came knocking at their door many times, not begging, but enlightening them of their mistakes, of their wrongdoings. But they slammed their doors and became deaf to our cries, to our demands.  And now, let them pay, we will raise hell so that they will remember us for the rest of their lives. We will let them remember in every second of their dear life.  We will be their nightmare in their every dream. We will haunt them until they become but shadows of their past, echoes of their former self.

Democracy is for the weak, for the feeble-minded, for the capitalists, for those greedy and sleazy bastards who collude with others to earn profits. We should tear it down, demolish it and replace it with something that is attuned to our needs. We need a system of government that is strong in the inside that is invulnerable to attacks from the outside, impenetrable, and has the support of every single citizen of the State. We need a state that can not be swayed by moralists, by the religious sector, or by any sector for that matter. We need a State that protects the weakest of the weak, and checks the strongest and the richest. We need a state powerful enough to hold power yet efficient enough to distribute it to every single citizen. We need a state that concentrates its power in its center but is capable of defusing it to any person who needs it the most. We need a state that is uncompromising, who does not know how to negotiate. It’s either they survive on our terms or not. We need a state that protects our basic rights but could easily take it away because rights should not be inviolable but rather given to those who are deserving of such rights.  We need a state that shares its wealth equitably. Lastly, we need a state that serves justice swiftly and appropriately, who knows no master nor slave; we need a state where the justice system is trusted upon and revered.

In short, we need a State that is powerful yet effervescent.  A state that commands its own destiny.

We should make Machiavelli’s posturings our battle-cry. But we should take it a step further: take the reins of power so that we, the intellectual elite who are the most capable, the most qualified to rule will be able to rule because it is our manifest destiny to govern these nameless, faceless countrymen of ours. Arise, because we have a destiny to fulfill.